He made an Honest Effort to Face the Music

By Barry Friedman

Feeling extremely guilty that as a young man I had bilked America's favorite mail order music club out of some 300,000 free records, I decided recently to enroll anew. I vowed that this time I would fulfill each and every membership requirement to the letter.

It's my way of giving back to a club that's been so good to me. I can't begin to count how many times I've swindled these saps, but it's just not me fault. Eleven CD's for 1 cent? Gee, it seems a little steep, but what the hell. I guess I'll gamble.

My record club pioneered the music mail-order business and in the process created the American dream for teen-agers-shoplifting by mail. I'm no financial genius, but if I were a club executive I'd have to think twice about sending Metallica CDs to a kid in Montana claiming to be named Tommy the White Ranger. At the very least, I'd suspect he probably doesn't own his own home.

When it finally dawns on them they've been had, my club's take-no-prisoners credit department is unleashed on the offender. What follows is a gentle, yet firm reminder of his outstanding bill. "Dear Power Ranger, We know you want to protect your good credit rating.

Credit rating? The kid's 12, he's hanging his noggin against the wall and isn't overly concerned that his local banker is going to turn him down for a new car loan.

Personally, I feel the company should rename itself the Interstate Mail Fraud Club. By the time I'd turned 17, I'd already been a member at least 60 times.

The highlight was when I joined under the name James Fenimore Cooper. Not only did I get a charming letter welcoming me to the club, I was also informed I would get four free selections for each acquaintance I could convince to join as well. It was a tough sell, but I somehow managed to sign up my close friend Edgar Allan Poe.

Ed in turn convinced his pal Herman Melville to enter the fraternity and it wasn't long before Melville sweet-talked Elizabeth Barrett Browning and John Greenleaf Whittier into climbing on board too.

Within a month, every major literary figure of the 19th Century was a member and I had enough inventory to challenge Tower Records.

These youthful scams have gnawed at my soul like a bulimic beaver, and I've decided to walk the straight and narrow. With this in mind. I filled out the club membership application boldly and legibly, dropped the card proudly into the mail and eagerly awaited my shipment of CDs.

I'm sorry, these people were morons then and they're morons now. Am I supposed to legally change my name to Frugman now so I can pay my bill? Apparently completely paranoid and assuming that anyone who orders CDs is using an alias, the club has created a new department that randomly assigns names.

"Oh, Don, we have an application for a Berry Friedman here."

"Don't make me laugh. I'll bet it's really Berry Frellman. How many Frellmans do we have on the books?"

"Ok, make it Frugman then."

They're going to pay now, because through their total incompetence they have snuffed out any chances I had for rehabilitating myself. Sure, I could inform them of my real name, but that will only confuse their computer and further complicate the situation. Instead, I'll drop them a cordial note informing them my shipment of CDs never arrived. I guarantee you I'll get another set pronto.
Sending free CDs is the only thing these knuckleheads understand.

Soon afterward the cycle of madness will begin again; they'll be begging to give me free CDs for recruiting new members. This time I'm enrolling the entire PLO.

"Don, we've got an application for a Habibi Nabibi here."

"Who recommended him?"

"Berry Frugman."

"Has Frugman paid his bill yet?"

"Not a dime."

"All right, I may have made a mistake on Frugman's name. Let's change his billing to Terry Klugman. What was his friend's name --Habib Nabibi? Let's go with Bobo Noodle and hope for the best."

This blog has been shifted!

(Due to Censorship) Blog has been shifted to:
Articles and videos from now on will be posted at:
Underground America Inc.
Follow on YouTube
and Twitter

NEW!! Underground Forum Post anything!!

Popular posts from this blog

Medical Marijuana Could Cost Big Pharma

Operation Bayonet: Inside the Sting That Hijacked an Entire Dark Web Drug Market

2Pac - Can't C Me (HD Video)