I personally water boarded Dick Cheney last night 183 times

By Christopher R Rice

Hold up, I know exactly what you're going to say, "shut the hell up Chris,...you never admit to your own crimes until the statue of limitations has run out, then it's okay."

I know, I know, but I have to tell ya', last night, I just got so damn frustrated, sittin' here thinkin' 'bout all those lame ass excuses they used to invade a sovereign nation (Iraq) in the first place, then started raping men, woman and children, taking pictures and sending Cheney around the nightly news talkin' 'bout rectal feeding for shits and giggles on innocent civilians with that Dr. Evil smirk on his creepy lookin' face. And, I couldn't take it any longer, I snapped!

Yep, I lost it. Hopped in my car and headed over to the Cheney compound. In the back of my mind, I could hear Cheney smirking and laughing... "I'll get YOU and your little dog Toto too!" But, I don't even own a little dog, shake my head.

I kept tellin' myself "when you get there, just stay calm." Tell him, "look, man, I just want the truth." Of course by the time I got there, I'd nearly talked myself out of the whole thing. But then I figured, hell, I've already come this far, might as well, get it over with. And with that, I bust into Cheney's back door, surprise attack.

As I walked through Cheney's house, all is quite, not a creature is stirring, not even a mouse. I've got to tell ya', it was a bit unnerving, my mind began to wonder, what if he keeps a torture chamber in his basement or maybe there's a mobile water board outfit in his garage, who knows. 

Then I thought, shit, maybe I should just leave, I can't believe I'm actually here, walking through another mans house. Then I remembered the standoff in Oregon, 1 dead and 6 arrested. My mind flashed to the police dash cam, shootings of unarmed civilians on my own streets and no one does a damn thing. And all that damn money they robbed from the US Treasury with their billion dollar no bid contracts to all of their friends, uh I mean campaign contributors, they're not really your friends now are they?

And then there it was, a little flicker from another room, just down the hall. As I got closer, the sounds got louder and louder and became more clear. The flickering light was a television set and the sounds that I thought must be some horror movie, was not.

There was Dick Cheney, sunkin' into his easy chair, head tilted back, snoring, with a trickle of drool running down the crevice of his mouth. Up on the screen, I couldn't believe it, the S-O-B was watching his own homemade Iraqi torture-porn. This sick f---.

I pimp slapped him, right across his face, to wake him up and get his attention. Once he woke up, he looked around all confused and as he realized what the hell was going on he grabbed his chest and played that "I need my medication" bu-- shi-. I told him right off, "you can forget that bullshi-, right now." Then I looked around, spotted a medicine bottle, picked it up and tossed it out the window.

I said "Look here Dick, I know that you don't have a heart, you have a pace maker, so..." Before I could get anything else out Cheney grabbed his chest again with one hand and began fishing around in the cushions with his other hand. I grabbed both his wrist, took off my belt and tied him till he bled. Neither of us said a word. I reached into the cushions and felt cold steel. I grabbed what I found and pulled it out, a nice shiny nickel plated Lugar. Then my pants fell off.

Without a belt, I was going to have to go around pants less. I didn't care. Justice was blind and Vigilantism was going to be bottomless. I grabbed that fat bastard with all of my might that I could muster and threw him on the carpet, face up. I left him there while I found the toilet. Then, I took a piss. Then I found a wash basin and filled it with toilet water and my piss. I walked back to Cheney and took off my bandana and covered Cheney's mouth with the bandana and then I poured the toilet water down his throat.

I thought at this point that he might crack and spill his beans seeing that I meant business, so I removed the bandana and yelled "tell me the truth." Cheney looked me right in the eye and coolly said: "you can't handle the truth."

I told Cheney in no uncertain terms that he wouldn't be leaving until he talked. I put the bandana back over his face and water boarded him 183 times last night. Finally, he screamed: "Enough already, I can't take it anymore, I'll tell ya' whatever ya' want to hear, just ask me."

"GOOD!" I screamed. "Talk now or I'll get your daughter and water board her too!"

I was drenched in my own sweat, this was more tiring and nerve racking then I ever could've imagined. But finally I got this little worm right where I wanted him.

He began confessing to all kinds of crazy shit. You'd never believe what sick games Cheney and Nixon use to play with J Edgar Hoover.

He became a babbling infantile crying mess who had crapped himself after the third water boarding. But don't ya'll worry, 'cuz I did a lot of rectal feeding last night too.

Here was my chance to ask the Devil himself anything my little heart desired. The moment that I'd worked all night for. Of course, I already knew the answers. I also already knew that Cheney knew. He'd been playing this game since before Nixon assassinated the Kennedy's and hijacked the White House.

He was still babbling, still confessing. "Stole the White House with a hanging chad, blah, blah, blah, gave my friends huge government contracts for crap no one even needed. But the equipment the troops really needed was denied and held up in committee, blah, blah, blah."

"Ordered the rape of innocent Iraqi women and children for the sole purpose of creating terrorist to justify the over bloated budgets of the military and intelligence communities."

I'd heard all that I could handle. I reached down, removed my boot and took off my sock. Then I shoved that sock down Cheney's throat. He began to gag and squirm so I took that Lugar and put it to the back of his skull and put him out of his misery.

I think it's okay to tell ya'll 'bout this 'cuz I killed Cheney in self defense. No, really. I understand that he was bound, gagged and tied and personally I was not in any immediate danger but lets face it, some people deserve to be taken out. For our own self preservation. Really man, it was him or me.  

No worries though, 'cuz I torched the place before I left. I made it look accidental too. Took out a phat blunt, lit it up, took two big hits. Propped Cheney back into his easy chair and put that cigar between his fingers resting on the easy chair. Stood back watched it go up in flames. No evidence, no crime, right? Hum, wonder who I should visit tonight? Guess who's coming to dinner?

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